Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
