Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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