That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
