the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
