I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
