I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i will never coherently bang her
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
