You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
