guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
