Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
