You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
