I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
