You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
