Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
