I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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