i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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