So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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