i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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