let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
