I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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