I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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