goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
