Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
