cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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