Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
