I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
