ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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