How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
