Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
