uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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