one two three fourrrrnication!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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