my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
