I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
