hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i've created a new STD.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
