hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This is classic penis vs brain.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
