Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I deserve this hangover.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
