D3 body, D1 cock
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
