6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
