Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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