I got chris browned last night
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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