You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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