Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
