seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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