There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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