no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
