i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
