I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
