I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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