So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
