I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
my being single is dangerous.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
