Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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