Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
