Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
