my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
