I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
