he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize