Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
