So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
