Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize