This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
