I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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