dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
