so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
