Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
