I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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