So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
