We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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